


Fighting Unsubtly over the Chipper Kid: A Selfish Saga

by seer_of_void (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, M/M, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-07-04
Updated: 2011-07-06
Packaged: 2017-10-21 00:26:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/218812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/seer_of_void
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Also known as FUCK: ASS.</p><p>Rose likes John. Dave likes John. Karkat likes John. Vriska likes John. None of them is about to let any of the others have him. John, meanwhile, is blissfully oblivious.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Rose: Pester Dave

TT: John.  
  
EB: oh hey rose! i haven't heard from you in a while, what's up?  
  
TT: This may seem out of the blue, but...  
TT: Would you be free this Friday to attend an exclusive screening at the cineplex? By dint of knowing the theatre's owner, I happened to procure a pair of free tickets.  
  
EB: oh man...  
EB: rose i'd love to but. uh.  
EB: i'm already going to a concert with dave this friday!  
EB: so, like. next time! ok?  
EB: i promise!  


>Rose: Feel jealous.

 _Jealous_ , you would hasten to correct, is not the most accurate word to use in order to convey your emotions, assuming you are talking about the original intended meaning and not the adapted meaning that most people with an abridged vocabulary assume.

"Jealousy" is the fear that something you already have will be taken away from you.

 _Envy_ is the proper word in this case.

Rather than bottling your rage and letting it simmer, you decide to directly question the perpetrator to confirm whether your suspicions are correct.

 

TT: Let there be no secrets between siblings, Dave. There is something that I must ask you and I want you to answer me honestly.  
TT: What are your feelings towards John?  
  
TG: woah woah  
TG: cant a guy and his bro go to some wholesome gig without being accused of the homogay  
TG: cmon rose i thought you were good about this  
  
TT: I am never one to make blind accusations. Know that my suspicions are not unfounded.  
TT: I am simply basing my speculation on previous observations of the interactions between the two of you.  
  
TG: evidence lalonde  
TG: you cant win this case on baseless conjecture  
TG: so unless you present something definitive i am holding you in contempt of court  
  
TT: I see Terezi is rubbing off on you.  
  
TG: yeah well what can i say  
TG: girls been so far up in my grill with her objections and shit  
TG: almost makes me want to play that shitty video game she is obsessed with  
  
TT: Well, then, if we are doing this in this format.  
TT: Exhibit A: the Shades.  
TT: How curious that the most important article of clothing in your possession, which has inexpressible significance to your psyche, came straight from the man himself.  
  
TG: low blow rose  
TG: those are ironic ok  
TG: nothing bromoromantic going on there  
  
TT: I see that you are not convinced. Very well then.  
TT: Exhibit B: the Mix CD.  
TT: John forwarded it to me.  
TT: All of the songs are love songs.  
  
TG: so what  
TG: most mainstream music these days is about sex whats so special about that  
TG: pick a song any song itll be about unrequited love or breakups or blowjobs  
  
TT: Ah, yes, but most of this was of your own original composition.  
  
TG: cant help it if im influenced by the times  
TG: a man of the hour so to speak  
  
TT: Upon analysis of the lyrics, I happened to notice that the majority of the pronouns used were... male.   
TG: touche  
TG: well rose you got me im gay  
  
TT: So it is true, then?  
  
TG: wasnt much of a secret anyway  
TG: still doesnt mean im into egbert  
  
TT: I am simply clarifying for future reference. Your sexual preferences will have no bearing on my opinion of you one way or another.  
  
TG: haha thats a laugh  
TG: stop with the bullshit lalonde we all know youve got the hots for egbert  
  
TT: Perhaps. I will not leap straight to denial as you do.  
TT: But I digress. We were not finished with this courtroom charade, were we?  
  
TG: if you insist  
  
TT: Exhibit C: The fact that you have spent the past six Fridays with him on what could be considered stereotypical "dates" were he not so oblivious to your true intentions.  
TT: Movies. Sports games. More movies.  
TT: You took him to fucking Olive Garden.  
  
TG: i  
TG: ok  
TG: this is the time where i would begin my ridiculously elaborate freakout  
TG: hair exploding lobsters levitating that kind of thing  
TG: ending with me confessing my guilt to all of the murders and also all the crimes for the past five cases or something  
TG: but this isnt a shitty lawyer game so ill just say  
TG: yep lalonde you got me  
TG: im the killer  
TG: its me  
  
TT: I hope that you aren't actually guilty of his murder. That would be truly devastating.  
  
TG: so i guess the situation here is  
TG: i like him  
TG: im pretty sure you like him too  
  
TT: Please don't suggest a threesome.  
  
TG: oh dear gog no  
TG: why  
TG: why would you put those words in my brain  
TG: no no no no no  
TG: if i didnt have a strict commitment to avoiding punctuation thered be exclamation points everywhere  
TG: shout poles all up in this bitch  
  
TT: Your objection is duly noted. I apologize if I caused any undue brain trauma.  
  
TG: a little late for that lalonde  
  
TT: Understood.  
TT: Well, then, I propose a solution.  
TT: Each of us tries our hardest to win the heart of our derpy yet mystifyingly attractive compatriot.  
TT: In the end, whichever one of us he chooses, gets him.  
  
TG: sounds fair enough  
  
TT: To that end, I shall leave Fridays to you as long as I have sole rights to his weekends.  
  
TG: i dont think thats possible rose  
  
TT: How come?  
  
TG: saturdays are movie marathons with karkat  
TG: and sundays he plays dnd with vriska  
  
TT: ...  
  
TG: oh no  
TG: you dont think  
  
TT: ...I believe I shall have to contact our extraterrestrial compatriots.  
TT: I fear that this game may be more than just the two of us.  
TT: Wish me luck.  
  
TG: luck  
TG: hah  
TG: good luck then  
TG: youll need it  
  
TT: Not against you, I won't.  
  
TG: trash talking now lalonde has it come to that  
  
TT: Perhaps. We'll see how long this sibling rivalry lasts.  



	2. Vriska: Troll Karkat

>Be the spider girl

You are now the spider girl, and oh man are you pissed!!!!!!!! You're not pissed without a reason though. You have a person to blame it all on, which is better than not because otherwise you tend to blame it on yourself.

In fact, if you were somehow omniscient and were able to simultaneously view both your and Rose's predicaments, you might draw some surprising parallels.

You are not, however, omniscient, and regardless of your vantage point there is only one way to proceed with this: troll the fuck out of the one responsible for this.

 

AG: WH8T THE H8LL K8RK8T????????!!!!!!!!  
  
CG: OH FUCKING HELL WHAT DO YOU WANT.  
CG: I AM UP TO MY BULGE IN EVERYBODY ELSE'S BULLSHIT ALREADY. I DO NOT NEED YOURS.  
  
AG: Wh8t did you think you were doing, asking him to see movies with you this sunday?  
AG: Sunday is DnD day!  
AG: In other words, DI8S!!!!!!!!  
  
CG: I THINK I MADE MY OPINION ON ALL THIS INTERSPECIES REDROM CLEAR.  
CG: BUT JUST FOR THE SAKE OF REITERATION.  
CG: FUCKING STOP IT.  
  
AG: Oh come off of it. Every8ody knows you're t8ally flushed for him.  
  
CG: OKAY. FIRST OFF, FUCK YOU.  
CG: SECOND, I'M NOT LIKE YOU. I DON'T GET STUPID POINTLESS FLUSHCRUSHES.  
CG: MY PITY IS A PRECIOUS COMMODITY IN HIGH DEMAND. I WOULDN'T WASTE IT ON SOME WORTHLESS PINK FLESHSACK LIKE THE EGBERT HUMAN.  
  
AG: Hahahahahahahaha. Don't m8ke me laugh!  
AG: Didn't you confess your undying h8 for him during the game?  
AG: "OH JOHN! MY 8ONE 8ULGE 8CHES FOR YOU AND YOUR EMINENTLY H8ABLE FACE! T8KE ME NOW!!!!!!!!"  
  
CG: THAT'S NOT WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED.  
CG: ALSO.  
CG: HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT.  
  
AG: He told me, duuuuuuuuh!  
  
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE TELL YOU.  
CG: I TOLD HIM NOT TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT THAT. HE FUCKING PROMISED.  
  
AG: Well, maaaaaaaaybe it's 8ecause he likes me moooooooore! :::;)  
  
CG: HE DOESN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT DND, DUMBSHIT.  
  
AG: May8e not at first, 8ut ever since he rolled his street-tough Maverick character, he's w8nted to play all the time!  
  
CG: I'M NOT GOING TO PRETEND TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT YOUR STUPID GAME FOR GIRLS AND LITTLE WRIGGLERS, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THAT "MAVERICK" ISN'T A REAL CLASS.  
  
AG: It can 8e if I w8nt it to!!!!!!!!  
  
CG: WELL, YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT?  
CG: YOU CAN GO ON DELUDING HIM WITH GAMES OF "LET'S PRETEND YOU ARE YOUR FAVORITE SHITTY ACTOR HUMAN."  
CG: MEANWHILE, I AM GIVING HIM THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXPERIENCE SOME REAL FUCKING CULTURE.  
  
AG: You force him to watch romcoms.  
  
CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP. THEY ARE FASCINATING SOCIOLOGICAL PORTRAITS OF THE TROLLIAN RACE.  
CG: OF WHICH, NEED I FUCKING REMIND YOU, WE ARE THE LAST REMAINING.  
  
AG: N8t necessarily.  
AG: Kanaya s8id something a8out alchemizing a new matrior8.  
  
CG: WHATEVER.  
CG: POINT IS, THEY ARE ALSO ARTISTIC MASTERPIECES AND THE EGBERT HUMAN SHOULD FEEL GRATEFUL FOR THE OPPORTUNITY.  
  
AG: You don't even care a8out what the humans have to offer, do you????????  
  
CG: WELL, EXCUSE ME FOR NOT FOAMING AT THE MOUTH LIKE A RABID FANGBEAST WHEN IT COMES TO MOVIES STARRING A CERTAIN HUMAN ACTOR.  
CG: AND NO.  
CG: WE DO TOO WATCH HIS MOVIES.  
CG: SOME HAVE ARTISTIC MERIT.  
  
AG: 8ut you don't appreci8 them like we do!!!!!!!!  
  
CG: HONESTLY I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT'S SO AMAZING ABOUT THIS CAGE HUMAN.  
CG: JOHN GETS A PASS BECAUSE HE REGARDS HIM AS AN IDOL.  
CG: BUT YOU, HE'S MORE THAN THREE TIMES YOUR AGE IN EARTH YEARS, HE ALREADY HAS A MATESPRIT (WHO, MIGHT I ADD, HE WAS RECENTLY ARRESTED FOR ABUSING), AND HE'S NOT PARTICULARLY ATTRACTIVE BY TROLL OR HUMAN STANDARDS.  
CG: NOT TO MENTION HE'S A DIFFERENT SPECIES.  
CG: DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE FUCKED UP?  
  
AG: F8CK YOU!!!!!!!!  
AG: Y8u d8n't understaaaaaaaand the gl8ry of C8ge!!!!!!!!  
  
CG: EW.  
  
AG: Oh... oh yeah????????  
AG: 8t LE8ST I'm not trying to get into a 8lackrom with a species that D8ESN'T FEEL H8!!!!!!!!  
AG: Also, need I mention that John is N8T A H8M8S8XUAL?!?!?!?!  
  
CG: FUCK YOU.  
CG: THE KISMESIS THING WAS A MISTAKE, OK. IT WAS BEFORE WE KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT HUMAN ROMANCE.  
CG: ALSO JOHN WAS ONLY 13 EARTH SWEEPS THEN.  
CG: HE HAD-- HAS-- NO IDEA WHAT HE WANTS.  
CG: HE DOESN'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT DESTINY.  
  
AG: Spaaaaaaaare me.  
AG: Life isn't like one of your 8oring movies!!!!!!!!  
  
CG: OH, PLEASE.  
CG: LIKE YOU HAVE A FUCKING IOTA OF A CHANCE, EITHER.  
  
AG: Well, it's n8t like he has any 8etter choices!  
  
CG: WHAT ABOUT THE ROSE HUMAN?  
  
AG: Wh8t.  
  
CG: DURING THE GAME, I TOLD THEM THEY HAD TO GET TOGETHER AND REPOPULATE THEIR RACE.  
CG: KIND OF A MOOT POINT NOW THAT THEY WON, BUT STILL.  
CG: MAYBE SHE GOT IDEAS.  
  
AG: ...Huh.  
AG: Well, she still doesn't st8nd a ch8nce!!!!!!!!  
AG: 8esides, what m8kes you think that she likes him?  
  
CG: NOTHING REALLY. JUST A HUNCH.  
CG: ALSO, SHE'S PESTERING ME NOW.  
  
AG: Wh8ever.  
AG: 8etween me and you, the choice is o8vious!!!!!!!!  
  
CG: YEAH, BECAUSE IT'S ME.  
  
AG: Ughhhhhhhh I h8 you so much!  
AG: Pl8onically, mind. I would never consider a kismesis with such a loser-8oy as you!  
  
CG: GOOD, BECAUSE YOU ARE LITERALLY SO FUCKING INSIGNIFICANT THAT I'M NOT GONNA WASTE MY ENERGY HATING YOU.  
CG: NOW FUCK OFF. THIS HUMAN'S TYPING STYLE IS SO DENSE THAT I NEED TO PAY FULL ATTENTION TO IT IN ORDER TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK SHE'S SAYING.  
  
AG: Fine, wh8ever.  
AG: John is mine.  



	3. Rose: Pester Karkat

TT: Hello, Karkat.  
CG: PINK HUMAN.  
CG: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT.  
TT: It's Rose, actually, and I don't appreciate the hostility.  
TT: I'm not looking to start a fight.  
TT: At least, not yet.  
CG: FINE, ROSE HUMAN.  
CG: STOP WITH ALL THIS CAGEY FUCKING BULLSHIT AND GET TO THE POINT.  
CG: I'M BUSY.  
TT: Doing what, might I ask?  
CG: TROLLING FUCKFACES. BEING A GLORIOUS LEADER. SHIT LIKE THAT. DOES IT MATTER?  
TT: That depends.  
TT: I'm curious about your plans for the weekend.  
CG: WHO CARES.  
CG: I'M GOING TO A FILM FEST.  
TT: All weekend?  
CG: YES.  
TT: All alone?  
CG: WHAT IS THIS, 20 FUCKING QUESTIONS?  
CG: NO, I'M GOING WITH JOHN.  
TT: Are you aware of the conflicts associated with your choice of date?  
CG: OH FUCKING SHIT.  
CG: I JUST FINISHED TALKING ABOUT THIS.  
CG: YOU'RE NOT EVEN PART OF VRISKA'S DUNGEONS AND DICKHEADS GROUP. WHY DO YOU CARE.  
TT: I have no direct involvement in this conflict.  
TT: My role for now is simply that of a messenger.  
CG: WELL, FUCKING MESSENGE ME THEN, GOD.  
TT: I'm here to tell you that you have a rival.  
CG: WHO? YOU?  
CG: PLEASE.  
TT: No.  
TT: Your rival is Dave.  
CG: DAVE?  
CG: TEREZI'S BOYTOY? THE DOUCHEBAG WITH THE SUNGLASSES?  
TT: I'm sure he would resent most of your accusations, especially the one regarding his relationship with Terezi.  
TT: Interesting that you bring her up, actually.  
TT: Forgive me, I am going to embark on a brief tangent here, because I believe this to be a valuable psychological insight.  
TT: It appears that you subconsciously associate Dave with your feelings, particularly anger, over losing her.  
TT: I don't know the exact details of your breakup, but I can surmise enough from the facts present.  
TT: I fear that this connection, in addition to the belief you hold that Dave has stolen her from you, makes you predisposed towards antagonistic feelings.  
TT: Well, moreso than usual, anyway.  
CG: I CARE.  
CG: THAT WAS YOUR EARTH HUMAN SARCASM. BEHOLD MY CULTURAL SENSITIVITY.  
CG: ARE YOU DONE YET?  
TT: Not quite. I have one tidbit that may in fact interest you significantly more.  
TT: Namely, that there is nothing romantic between Dave and Terezi.  
CG: PULL THE OTHER ONE, IT'S GOT TINY ANNOYING PERCUSSION INSTRUMENTS ON.  
TT: Dave is what you would call "a human homosexual."  
CG: YOU MEAN THAT THING THAT JOHN ISN'T?  
TT: Ah, so you're familiar with the term.  
TT: Then I won't have to explain why he isn't your rival for Terezi's affections while he is, however, your rival for John's.  
TT: Which brings us full circle.  
TT: There is a conflict in your interests.  
CG: JUST FUCKING GET ON WITH IT.  
TT: Your plan is to take John to the film fest out of state starting on Friday evening and continuing until Sunday afternoon.  
CG: YEAH, BASICALLY.  
CG: SOLLUX HAS A PLACE UP THERE AND HE'S LETTING US CRASH FOR THE WEEKEND.  
TT: It seems to be a fairly busy weekend for events.  
CG: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN.  
TT: One of Dave's and John's mutual favorite bands has a concert this Friday night.  
TT: Dave has tickets for the two of them.  
CG: WELL THAT'S TOO FUCKING BAD FOR HIM. JOHN ALREADY TOLD ME HE'D GO.  
TT: Did you inform him of the specific date of the film fest?  
CG: OF COURSE I  
CG: I MEAN  
CG: ANY FUCKASS WHO HASN'T HAD THEIR LOBE STEM CAUTERIZED SHOULD BE ABLE TO FIGURE IT OUT.  
TT: Allow me to stress that this is John that we're talking about.  
CG: TRUE.  
CG: STILL, WHY THE FUCK SHOULD IT MATTER TO YOU?  
TT: Ah, well...  
TT: I'm afraid I have not been perfectly honest with you since the start of this conversation.  
TT: I too have romantic interests in John.  
TT: I was merely gauging your reaction in order to confirm my suspiscions.  
CG: I FUCKING KNEW IT.  
TT: However, I did not lie about Dave nor the conflict regarding the concert.  
TT: That was the other reason I contacted you.  
TT: As a warning.  
CG: OH. A WARNING.  
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I NEED A WARNING. THE DAVE HUMAN IS A STILLBORN MEWLBEAST COMPARED TO ME. I'M A FUCKING PARAGON OF TROLL FITNESS AND UNPARALLELLED AWESOME.  
CG: WHAT'S HE GONNA DO, THROW A SHITTY SWORD AT ME?  
TT: I can't be sure for certain what he'll do.  
TT: I just thought you should know the facts before whatever happens, happens.  
TT: And, oh, looks like he signed in again just now.  
TT: I must bid you farewell.  
TT: But, first, and please don't tell Dave I said this because I don't want to foster enmity with my brother:  
TT: John doesn't like males.  
TT: Nor does he like aliens, not when he has his own entire species to choose from.  
TT: Your "flushcrush" is cute, Karkat. But you shouldn't waste your time, nor John's.  
CG: OH, GO SHOVE YOUR HIDEOUS PINK FLESHY HORNLESS HEAD UP YOUR OWN WASTE CHUTE.  
CG: OH, WAIT, IT WAS ALREADY THERE, SILLY ME.  
CG: YOU MAY LINE UP WITH HIS THEORETICAL PREFERENCES, BUT I HAVE SEEN YOUR ENTIRE PITIFUL LIVES. I KNOW JOHN BETTER THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE.  
CG: I KNOW THAT HE WOULD NEVER IN A MILLION SWEEPS BOTHER WITH BORINGASS, POWERCRAZY FEMALES LIKE YOU.  
CG: JOHN DESERVES SOMEONE WHO ACTUALLY CARES.  
TT: I died for him.  
TT: It would do you well to remember that.  
TT: Goodbye, Karkat. And: fuck you.  


Your name is KARKAT VANTAS, and you cannot stop staring at your computer screen, as much as you are loath to do so.

She died for him? She... _died_? You can't pretend to know what happened in that blackout. In all honesty, most of SGRUB (and SBURB, you guess) is a blur in your memory now. But, well, fuck. You might have watched him grow up and trolled him a good number of times, but all the times you died were for reasons unrelated to John. You think. Your prospit dreamself might have died _because_ of him, but...

To take your mind off of it, you scroll back up through the log. Words, words, words... your gaze settles on one line.

Dave.

You do a quick count in your head. You like John. Vriska likes John. Rose likes John, although you stand by your belief that she would be worse for him than even Vriska.

Dave. You're actually almost glad that she told you about Dave, because you never would have guessed-- you're not that good at picking up on subtle human social cues yet, much as you try to practice when you're with John. What's all this about a concert? Why the fuck do you care?

Oh, speak of the fucking devil. He's pestering you now.

You're not in the mood to deal with this bullshit.


	4. Dave: Pester Karkat

TG: yo  
TG: knight of cocks  
TG: just thought id stop by to say  
TG: you aint got shit on me  
CG: I AM SO NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THIS, FUCK OFF.  
TG: trust me  
TG: after im done with you youll never be in the mood for anything anymore  
TG: on account of being hooked up to an iv with a heartbeat monitor after my sick flow renders you comatose  
TG: oh dr strider is karkat gonna make it out alive  
TG: will he ever fuck again  
TG: no little missy im afraid its terminal  
TG: gotta break out the death panels on this one  
CG: I'M NOT EVEN READING THIS, JUST SO YOU KNOW.  
TG: ok sure avert your eyes  
TG: mortar machineguns, not gonna compromise  
TG: cause john is our nam and my words are the bombs  
TG: karkat youre the fat kid without any arms  
TG: youre not fit for the war and the air raid alarms  
TG: are screaming your nightmares when youre dreaming  
TG: on prospit just stop it the knife in your back  
TG: is mine now your lifes out im on the attack  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.  
TG: thats right for a knight youre not yet unstuck  
TG: from your home, that is to say camelot  
TG: or lets throw skaia into this metaphor omniglot  
TG: and lancelot your swords a joke  
TG: excalibur has got you broke  
TG: if youre paying attention the mention of blades  
TG: refers to endowment, ive beat you in spades  
TG: in terms of the size and my strength its unreal  
TG: youre still losing to dave when it comes to appeal  
TG: cause your lack of politeness perpetual capslock  
TG: are all critical signs of a sad kid who lacks cock  
CG: ARE YOU FOR REAL.  
TG: yeah man hows it feel  
TG: all your impotent rage and inscrutable romance  
TG: aint got shit on the stage and on john and my bromance  
TG: some impersonal film fest wont hold up a candle  
TG: to chillin with his best friend and his favorite band, ill  
TG: tell you now alien, you try and youll fail again  
TG: lohac and the scratch who was there by his side  
TG: while pissy gray assholes just stood idly by  
TG: when in trying to kill us they almost succeed  
TG: ive had swords in my throat and ive seen myself bleed  
TG: for the million times over ive turned back the clock  
TG: a dead daves blood dripping for every tick tock  
TG: and ill tell you a secret the reason for dying  
TG: so much just to see him again, i was trying  
TG: to prove to myself i was brave, that one day  
TG: id be able to go to the egderp and say  
TG: bro i think you should know that theres something about me  
TG: im gay and i love you and that if you still doubt me  
TG: thats ok i can go but i just gotta know  
TG: if your feelings are leaning towards more than just bros  
TG: and i know that its risky, i know that he said  
TG: that hes not homosex, but I think that I'm ready  
TG: to face facts cause anythings better than feeling  
TG: like crap but then youre up in here interfering  
CG: THAT'S IT.  
CG: I'M LEAVING, I CAN'T TAKE THIS BULLSHIT.  
TG: youre free bro to ragequit  
TG: i dont care if you go  
TG: but if youre in for a fight here we are toe to toe  
TG: theres no troll can match me in biznasty flow  
TG: i should know ive had practice  
TG: when that horse guy attacked this  
TG: put that creep in his place and threw dirt on his grave  
CG: THOUGHT HE SAID YOU GOT SCHOOLED.  
TG: then karkat youve been fooled  
TG: left him twitching and drowning in his own little pool  
TG: so i guess in conclusion  
TG: while youre lost in confusion  
TG: ill make clear the fact that i think your intrusion  
TG: into johns and my life has got me fucking pissed  
TG: so if hes on your bucket list  
TG: you or that lucky bitch  
TG: going down to the ground at the heel of my sword  
TG: scratched right out of his life like i scratched that record  
CG: WHY DON'T WE LET JOHN FUCKING CHOOSE.  
TG: we dont need to  
TG: youll lose  



	5. John: Pester Jade

AG: Joooooooohn! ::::)  
EB: hey vriska!!!!!!!!!  
EB: oops wait that was nine exclamation points, sorry.  
AG: It's okay, John. I forgive you for that.  
AG: But not for N8T TELL8NG ME A8OUT HOW YOU'RE MISSING DnD FOR SOME STUPID F8LM F8ST!!!!!!!!  
EB: woah!  
EB: woah woah woah, what?  
EB: that thing with karkat?  
EB: i... wait, that's this weekend?  
EB: shit! i thought it was, like...  
EB: i forgot! i'm so sorry!  
AG: Yeah, I figured as much.  
AG: Don't worry, Eg8ert, I don't h8 you.  
AG: 'Cause I know I'm muuuuuuuuch more important, right????????  
EB: uh?  
EB: sorry, i don't... follow...  
AG: Well, I mean, o8viously you'd much rather play DnD with me than go see 8oring movies with Karkat!  
AG: They won't even have Nic Cage in them, most likely!  
EB: oh man, nic cage. soooooooo cooooooool.  
EB: sorry, you were saying?  
AG: John, we're communicating via text. You can scroll up and read what I just wrote.  
EB: i know that! geez, just 'cause you all call me a derp doesn't mean I actually am one!  
EB: i mean, gosh. what does derp even mean, anyway?  
AG: John.  
EB: right, right, sorry!  
EB: i just... aaaaugh, vriska, i really wish i could just say yes, but the truth is i can't!  
EB: i mean... i did promise him...  
AG: I'm working on this new campaign, inspired by ghost8usters, where Poecameron becomes a paranormal investig8r!  
AG: The other guys are super enthused, John.  
AG: You don't want to keep them waiting, doooooooo you?  
EB: vriska, you're not making this any easier!!!  
EB: listen, i gotta go... talk things over.  
EB: with, uh, people.  
EB: i'll catch up with you later!  


 

EB: jade i need help!!!!  
GG: help? :o  
EB: everyone wants me to do things with them and i can't decide on anything!  
GG: do... things?  
EB: like...  
EB: i just stopped talking with vriska and she was all pissed 'cause i said i'd do dnd on sunday, right.  
EB: only it turns out that i promised karkat i'd be at a film fest with him all weekend!  
EB: i mean, i knew from the beginning that it was this weekend i guess, i just never...  
EB: what do i dooooo, what do i dooooo?  
GG: calm down ok!!! geez, you're driving ME crazy even!  
GG: wait, wasn't this friday that thing with dave?  
EB: ...............  
EB: deep breaths, john, you can do it...  
EB: jade, if you're trying to calm me down, this isn't helping!  
EB: i can't believe i forgot about the concert!!  
EB: i'm the worst friend everrrrrr.  
GG: no you're not! >:O  
GG: don't tell yourself that!  
GG: and anyway.....  
GG: this is kind of suspicious john! i think there's something else going on here  
EB: they are all plotting my downfall. i just know it.  
GG: no no no no no nononono! not that!  
GG: pretty much the opposite, actually  
GG: i think........  
GG: .......................... (i want to make this super dramatic)..................  
GG: they're fighting over you!! :D  
EB: i don't want them to fight!  
GG: ugh do I have to spell it out for you??  
GG: it's because they all LIKE you!  
GG: dumpass!!!  
EB: well i mean of course they like me, they're my friends! that's not much of a dramatic revelation at all, jade!  
EB: i am disappoint. very disappoint.  
GG: :|  
GG: i mean they all have crushes on you  
EB: oh.  
EB: OH.  
EB: what?  
EB: that's silly!  
EB: ha ha, funny joke jade, oh my god i am freaking out so much right now.  
GG: i mean... going to the movies sure sounds like a date to me!  
GG: and havent you been going to all sorts of things with dave recently?  
EB: yeah, but... we're bros!  
GG: what about that time in the mall??  
GG: B| 'yo john sup sup lets go into this shitty photo booth and take ironic pics of ourselves like its going outta style'  
GG: (i've been rping with nepeta lately :D)  
EB: no no dude, it's ironic!  
EB: photo booths are nothing but ironic, ok.  
GG: he kept them in his wallet!  
EB: i uh... irony?  
GG: john you have at least three people who want to go on a date with you! >:o  
EB: well, four.  
GG: four???  
EB: rose asked me to go to that weird french film with her, but I told her that I had the concert with dave.  
GG: john you have at least four people who want to go on a date with you!!! >:O  
EB: oh geez.  
EB: oh geez oh geez oh geez.  
EB: advise me jade. adviiiiiiiise meeeeeeee!  
GG: i can't tell you who to choose!  
GG: because it looks like no matter what choice you make somebody elses feelings will get hurt  
EB: jade that's not helping!  
GG: i knoooooowwwwwww! sorry!!!  
GG: well um in that case  
GG: follow your heart john!  
EB: thanks jade.  
EB: i've gotta choose between my best friends!  
GG: well if you blow off karkat you CAN go to both dave's concert and vriska's DnD  
GG: but then he probably wont talk to you for a couple of months....... so.......  
EB: maybe i should move to bermuda.  
EB: the bermuda triangle.  
EB: they'd never find me.  
GG: john, avoidance is never the way to solve a problem!!! gosh  
GG: ...oh crap! john ive gotta go  
GG: bec needs walkies  
EB: can it wait?  
GG: you dont understand john  
GG: bec  
GG: NEEDS  
GG: walkies  
EB: okay, okay.  
EB: thanks for listening, anyway.  
EB: now i'm gonna go and do  
EB: something.  
GG: try not to fuck things up too badly!!!!  
EB: thanks jade.  
GG: good luck john! :)  


>John: Check status of emotions

Your name is JOHN EGBERT and you are currently FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT.

Your... "friendships" are at stake here. Serious stake. Stake that is so serious you could adorn it with a pipe and glasses and a fedora and it would not make it any seriouser (actually it would make it kind of silly!).

Your best bro no joke got you tickets, and they're really good ones, not front-row but pretty close to, like he stayed up who knows how late just waiting for them to go on sale. You don't know whether to believe Jade that it's a _date_ , but... well, anyway.

You've been steadfastly committed to that spiiiiiiiider girl's games for a while now, and to be honest you're not entirely surprised with the fact that she's more into you than just friends. You remember Karkat warning you about that during the game after all. And, hey, you'd feel the same way if you could meet the person who introduced YOU to Nic Cage. (so manly)

The IRATE ASSHOLE WHO IS SOMEHOW STILL ENDEARING invited you to the film fest, and you _did_ say yes and you are planning to go... or you would, if not for all the other conflicts making it difficult to decide! Really, it's about time you spent some quality time with him. Even if he's shouty and insulty, he makes you laugh! That's what friendbuddies are for! Only... not friendbuddies, you suppose. Moving on.

Next to all the others, the intelligent, bookish young lady is at a disadvantage, but... well, maybe you could politely tell Dave and Karkat no and go to see that weird french movie anyway! It could be interesting, you guess. Also you admit to yourself right off the bat that Rose is really pretty and you'd probably be the most comfortable going on an actual _date_ date with her. But... do you want to, like, _kiss_ her? Um...

God you are so confused.


	6. Rose: Open Memo

tentacleTherapist [TT] opened memo "Pursuit of the Blue"

TT: Ah, there we are.  
TT: I feel that a civil group discussion is the most efficient way to handle our mutual conflict.

tentacleTherapist [TT] added turntechGodhead [TG] to memo.

TG: rose seriously could you have given it a more pretentious title  
TG: i dont feel cultured enough  
TT: I felt like it was meaningful and symbolic, given the color which defines our compatriot.  
TT: And yes, I did realize that you meant what you said ironically.  
TG: always do babe  
TT: I understand that we grew up in vastly distinct environments, Dave, but I believe I've told you before that "babe" is not a common nickname among siblings.  
TT: I too subscribe to the widely held human belief in the incest taboo. While I understand that your pseudo-flirtations are not at all serious, and that of course you do not hold any degree of romantic interest in me, I must be honest.  
TT: It makes me uncomfortable.  
TG: rose you know when you tell me things like this  
TG: things thatll push your buttons  
TG: its like youre handing me a loaded gun and telling me not to shoot it  
TG: or like buttering a piece of toast and telling me not to eat it  
TG: sides rose you know my boners are for john alone  
TT: I believe we could file that under "Too Much Information," Dave.  
TT: Now allow me to invite the trolls.

tentacleTherapist [TT] added carcinoGeneticist [CG] to memo.

tentacleTherapist [TT] added arachnidsGrip [AG] to memo.

CG: OH NOT FUCKING THIS AGAIN.  
TG: sup crabcakes howve you been  
TG: your bone bulge been throbbing  
TG: or have you been sobbing  
TT: Stop.  
TT: Please.  
TT: We have a serious discussion to conduct.  
AG: What's going oooooooon?  
TG: were talking about john  
TG: this weekend conclusion event is foregone

TT banned TG from responding to memo.

CG: WHAT THE BULGELICKING FUCK.  
TT: A certain ectobiological sibling of mine cannot contain his flow.  
TT: By that I mean words, by the way; let us avert the double entendre.  
AG: 8ooooooooring. When do we get to the good stuff?  
AG: We're talking about who gets John this weekend, riiiiiiiight?  
TT: Yes.  
TT: Although my patience is limited, in the interest of equal representation of all interests, I shall add Dave back in.  
TT: Hopefully this time-out has been sufficient.

TT unbanned TG from responding to memo.

turntechGodhead [TG] added gallowsCalibrator [GC] to memo.

GC: D4V3 WH4T 1S TH1S?  
TG: this is the armpit sweat of a thousand idiots  
TG: feast your nostrils on the rich bouquet of self righteousness  
TG: hows it smell  
GC: 1T SM3LLS...  
GC: D1SGUST1NG >:[  
CG: WHO IN THE NAME OF THE MOTHER GRUB INVITED HER.  
GC: H3Y K4RKL3S  
TG: i did  
TG: if you scroll up a couple lines you can see it  
TG: its called reading, dunno if your planet invented that yet  
TT: In the interest of maintaining order, Dave, I think we should limit this conversation to those directly involved.  
TT: I apologize, Terezi. If you wish to talk, we may do so at a later date.

TT banned GC from responding to memo.

CG: THANK GOD.  
TG: didnt take you for the religious type vantas  
TG: if youve got any confessions pastor daves here to listen  
TG: father forgive me for i have sinned  
TG: i have coveted my neighbors best bro  
TG: thank you my son for admitting your wrongdoing  
CG: I'M NOT YOUR SON.  
TG: four hail marys and five fuck yous  
AG: Woooooooow Kark8, I'm impressed!  
AG: You managed to land yourself a kismesis!  
TG: whats that crabby youve got a hateboner for me  
TG: well shove it up my waste chute and call me a fairy  
CG: YOU'RE A FUCKING FAIRY.  
TT: Boys, that's offensive.  
CG: TO WHOM?  
TT: To everyone. To me. I'm offended by your actions.  
AG: Yeeeeeeeeah guys, go get a room! XXXXP  
TT: It's time we settled once and for all who has sovereignty over John for this upcoming weekend.  
CG: ME.  
TG: me duh  
AG: Me, o8viously!!!!!!!!  
TT: There is also, of course, the possibility that he could accompany me.  
AG: Ugh this is getting nowhere!!!!!!!!  
AG: Th8t's it!

arachnidsGrip [AG] added ectoBiologist [EB] to memo.

EB: wow uh... what's going on?  
AG: John. What're you pl8nning on doing this weekend?  
TG: yeah who you wanna go with  
CG: HURRY UP AND TELL US.  
TT: No pressure, John.  
EB: oh geez.  
EB: guys, i've been think?ng.  
EB: i reA||y have! 8  
EB>; abd it^^s b|een ©??`.||  
0 ERROR.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This being originally posted on the kink meme, readers were posed with a question: who should John choose? The result of the vote was... surprising, to say the least! Of course, it didn't matter in the end, because the intent from the very beginning was to have multiple endings!
> 
> The endings will be posted in order of popularity, starting with the most popular (and least likely) option.


	7. Equius' Ending

EB: oh geez.  
EB: guys, i know this is, like, super important to all of you...  
EB: but i'm moving in with equius and nepeta in bermuda so i can't go to any of your things and i'm really sorry!  
EB: also they don't have internet where they live so don't try and contact me!  
EB: bye!!!

ectoBiologist [EB] is now offline!

CG: WHAT  
CG: THE  
CG: FUCK.   
TT: I must admit, I did not foresee this outcome.  
TT: And I'm the seer.   
TG: yeah thats like  
TG: a dark horse victory or something   
TT: Surely you don't mean that Equius and Nepeta have won our little competition? They were never even involved in the first place!   
AG: Okay I seriously can't t8ke this 8ullshit.

arachnidsGrip [AG] is now offline!

CG: HOW COULD HE EVEN.  
CG: WHY WOULD HE.  
CG: DOESN'T HE HAVE HUMAN SCHOOL OR SOMEHING? HOW CAN HE JUST LEAVE? THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE.   
TT: I think we will never know for certain.  
TT: In the meantime, I suggest we all get on with our lives.  
TT: Play fair, boys.

tentacleTherapist [TT] is now offline!

CG: ...  
CG: IF YOU START FUCKING RAPPING AGAIN I WILL REACH THROUGH THE INTERNET AND CUT YOUR LIMBS OFF.   
TG: id like to see you try fucko   
CG: WHEN YOU'RE HOME ALONE YOU WEAR BRIEFS AND SING LOUDLY TO YOURSELF.   
TG: when youre home alone you sit around naked and watch my little pony   
CG: WHEN YOU'RE HOME ALONE YOU MASTURBATE TO FANTASIES INVOLVING JOHN.   
TG: yeah same to you   
CG: UH.  
CG: IN SUMMARY, FUCK YOU.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now offline!

TG: honestly im not at all surprised

turntechGodhead [TG] is now offline!

 

> At the airport.

When the plane touches down in Bermuda six hours later, the jetlag is making you more awake than you should be. You drag your rolling suitcase behind you through the aircraft boarding platform, and you emerge to find Equius and Nepeta waiting for you at the terminal.

You didn't think that trolls could get tan, but something about the milder earth sun made them dark enough that they could pass for black humans, not gray-skinned aliens. As soon as Nepeta sees you, she runs up and gives you a bonecrushing hug around the waist.

Equius keeps his distance but looks straight at you through his cracked glasses. Your eyes meet, and you _know_.

A train and a bus take you to the seedier part of town, where the two of them have taken up residence in a once-abandoned shack. The inside is different from the outside, however: they've made it liveable by installing metal floors (Equius) and painting all over the walls (Nepeta). Contrary to what you told the others, a state-of-the-art computer with high-speed internet is embedded into the wall-- a carryover from SBURB that he must have captchalogued before the end. They had also hollowed out a basement underneath the shack (probably with their bare claws), which held piles of tea and towels and robot parts and a boxing ring for unbroken robots.

You discover that Equius has been making a living by selling state-of-the-art machinery on the street, but it's not much of a living: he's too imposing and scary to sell anything to anybody, and nobody takes Nepeta seriously when she's peddling "discount robot purrts at afurdable prices!" You agree to lend them a hand in the future.

Meanwhile, they tell you, Nepeta has been decimating the local wildlife. The local news media are baffled, but generally attribute the mass deaths of birds and fish and small rodents in the area to acts of God. You think, wryly, that they're sort of right.

 

 

That night, after a dinner of fresh-caught fish (they don't own a fishing rod, you think), all three if you head downstairs. Equius' newest prototype is ready for the pummeling. Its eyes glow eerily red when the switch on its back is flipped, and Nepeta turns it to face Equius in the ring. It charges towards its creator, flailing its arms like a demon, and they collide in an explosion of sweat and circuitry. You dodge a flying tooth.

Then it's over as quickly as it had begun, with Equius standing in a pool of his own perspiration. You wordlessly throw him like three towels.

He turns towards you. There's a new crack in his glasses and fire in his eyes. The three of you go to the beach to soak in the sea and watch the moon rise. Nepeta's tiny hand rests in your left hand while Equius' massive palm gingerly wraps around your right.

 

In the morning, Nepeta updates her shipping chart, crossing out the four most likely candidates before drawing a circle around the fifth. The most unlikely.

The dark horse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow, the audience decided that, fuck the rules, Equius should be the winner. I failed to see a problem with that, so here we are.
> 
> Real endings will follow shortly.


	8. Dave's Ending

EB: oh geez.  
EB: guys, i've been thinking.  
EB: i really have!  
EB: and it's been really tough deciding because i know this is really important to all of you.  
EB: but dave probably stayed up who knows how late to get those tickets!   
TG: damn straight   
EB: this is kinda a once in a lifetime chance! you know what i mean?   
AG: Way to go, John. ::::)  
AG: I've gotta go, so see you on Sunday!

arachnidsGrip [AG] is now offline!

EB: i'm sorry karkat.   
CG: YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT YOU'RE PASSING UP.   
EB: i bet it's really cool!  
EB: but, like, hey rose?  
EB: i'm sorry for saying no to that movie earlier, ok? but i think you might like this, really!  
EB: so karkat, could rose come along with you instead maybe?   
CG: YOU'RE TRYING TO PAWN YOUR FRIEND OFF IN PLACE OF YOURSELF.  
CG: I AM DISGUSTED.   
EB: but she might be even more interested than i would be!  
EB: 'specially if you go to all the crazy mindy ones. she likes those!   
TT: While it is true that I enjoy indie theatre, I would hate to impose on Karkat. I believe he intended this for you and you alone to go with him.  
TT: However, if you are interested in further discussion, Karkat, I am available.   
CG: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I EVER WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOU.   
TT: Well, as we no longer seem to be in conflict, I see no reason for us not to become friends.   
CG: THIS IS STUPID.  
CG: DON'T EXPECT ME TO GET BACK TO YOU.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now offline!

TG: you know he will  
TG: this guy is so forever alone hes gonna latch onto the nearest humanflesh available   
TT: Dave, I think Vriska may have been right about you and Karkat.  
TT: You sure seem to be very dedicated to your rivalry.   
EB: hahaha, she's right dave!  
EB: wait, what did vriska say?   
TT: Never you mind.  
TT: I must take my leave.  
TT: You two lovebirds enjoy yourselves.

tentacleTherapist [TT] is now offline!

EB: haha okay rose!  
EB: did she mean that dave? are we lovebirds now?   
TG: yeah bro  
TG: down on one knee here  
TG: opening up the little box  
TG: its concert tickets  
TG: will you honor a bro with a fucking concert to celebrate our new engagement   
EB: i didn't even say yes dave!   
TG: well you did about a minute ago   
EB: oh! right!  
EB: derp then let's go! what are we waiting for even?   
TG: friday   
EB: oh, right.  
EB: friday night, then!   
TG: ill pick you up after school   
EB: stupid dave with his stupid piece of shit car and his stupid driver's license!  
EB: wait.  
EB: i thought you just had your permit!   
TG: details  
TG: see ya egbertina

turntechGodhead [TG] is now offline!

EB: dave i'm pretty sure that's against the law!  
EB: goddamn it dave, stop making me do illegal things!  
EB: i thought hanging out with terezi all the time would make you, like, more legal!  
EB: wait you're not even here.  
EB: why am i still talking?  
EB: hello??

 

 

> Friday night.

 

It's been a while since Egbert's been to a concert. He's never attended something quite like this before, either, so you hold his hand to try to ease him into it. That bit about the hand-holding is literal, by the way. _Heterosexual_ hand-holding.

It's an indoor theater with room for about five thousand spectators. Your diligent ticket-purchasing skills (as well as some string-pulling on your Bro's part) have landed you two seats on the edge of the house. Easy access to concession stands and the bathroom, you say.

You both agree that the opening band sucks at first. They're some amateur duo from around town and even you, with your extensive library of obscure music, haven't heard of them. About fifteen minutes in, they hit their groove. The heavy bass beat twists beneath your feet. People are getting up and dancing, and hey, that's cool with you. But you play it safe for now. Gotta save your energy for the main event.

Dear God has John always looked that silly when he dances? _Yes,_ your brain tells you, _of course he has_. He's not yet at the point of embarrassing himself, though; really, he's just your average awkward teenager. You'd be him if you hadn't had swag pounded into you since day one. There's something almost endearing about the way he dispenses with his inhibitions and genuinely devotes himself to having fun. To be honest, you're kind of jealous.

The opening band finishes their last song and packs up, and you make a mental note to check them out later. The audience takes a tense, collective breath which erupts into a cheer as the members of the main band walk out onstage. This is what you all have been waiting for. They don't introduce themselves or anything; just a few ground-shaking guitar chords and they begin.

 

You're an hour into the concert with no sign of stopping any time soon when John grabs your wrist and motions for you to get up. You don't try to argue— neither of you can hear the other over the music anyway— so you allow him to lead you through the lobby and outside. It's almost summer and the night air is warm and heavy.

"What's wrong, Egbert, too much jam for you?" you ask, but John is rummaging through his bag and doesn't answer. He finds what he was looking for (his inhaler) and puffs once before leaning back against the brick building with a sigh.

"No, trust me Dave, this is awesome," he says with a smile. "It's just, I needed a break, you know? It almost smells like... like people are smoking in there or something!"

You chuckle quietly. Man, this kid really _hasn't_ been to any concerts like this. "That's 'cause they _are_ , Egderp."

"But... they told us not to before the show started and everything!"

"Let me let you in on a secret, _John,_ " you say, placing deliberate and meaningful emphasis on his name. "People don't always do what you tell them to. Sometimes, they do the opposite just to fuck with whoever's bossing them around."

Silence. There's a speaker near the door, playing the live music into the empty alleyway. The song being played isn't one you know, but maybe the next one will be.

It sinks in that this is a Moment.

He's leaning against the brick wall, fiddling with his clothes and tapping his foot to the quiet rhythm of the music. Beneath your feet, you can feel it even out here: the _thud thud thud_ of the bass guitar, and, further underneath that, the seconds ticking away. It's a carryover from the game. John wasn't so lucky: his reward for being the hero of Breath was crippling asthma. Top-tier irony, right there.

"It's kinda funny, Dave," he says, and you were listening so closely to the quiet music that the loudness of his voice shocks you.

"Yeah?"

"Just, all this... you know. With Rose and Karkat and everyone. It's like, really?" He looks right at you, and those eyes are really, _really_ blue. "I'm not— I mean. I was talking to Jade about it, 'cause I didn't know what to do, and she said... she said you guys were, uh, fighting, over... me?"

No point in denying it. "Yeah," you say, and you try to keep your gaze forward but it's hard not to look at him.

"Why?"

Deep breaths. In, out. "Because... fuck." You straighten up. Your heart pounds in your ears, a third rhythm to keep track of. "Listen, John. You're— special, all right? Like, I think it's just this talent you have, that we all have pieces missing inside of us and you, you manage to find that— that _gap_ that makes us incomplete human beings or space aliens or whatever, and you fill it. You don't have to even try, you're just there. You're working miracles and you don't even fucking know it."

Sappiness rating: 8.8/10.

"Rose grew up distanced. Karkat grew up in fear. Vriska grew up with a giant fucking spider that forced her to kill people. I grew up trained to— to _judge_ everybody, especially myself, I guess. Bro hardly talked to me. I grew up alone, basically, until I met you."

"Wow— really?"

"You were the first person I ever really liked, did you know? No, wait, scratch that." Sunglasses, off. "You were the first—"

"What?"

"The first person I ever loved."

"Oh." He's stunned. You expected that, really. He's looking at you like this is the first time you've met. Before he can say anything else, you continue:

"And it's fucking stupid! Because who the hell falls in love with their best friend?" You pound the wall with your fist. Thud. Thud. Thud. Another rhythm. "Their best friend who's not a homosexual, couldn't possibly like them back, this guy that I depend on for fucking _everything_ and that I could lose forever if he knew the truth—"

"Dave, geez—" he starts to say, and the sound of him saying your name twists your stomach into further knots.

You cut him off. "—So instead I try to do this stupid thing where they're not dates, honest to god Egbert, we're just doing all these things so that I can pretend that things are the way I want them but they're _not_ and they won't ever be and I'm only deluding myself here I can't fucking change you any more than I can change the fact that I like you.

"So somehow it all ends up here, at this concert, and woah, surprise surprise Dave, I'm not sailing alone in this Johnyssey, that there's all these other people who are equally smitten by your magical people powers and how goddamn cute you are all of the time, and what am I supposed to do when you have my equally viable female twin to go be heterosexual with?"

" _Dave._ " His voice stops time. Even though your heart is still hammering and the beat is still thumping you've lost count of it all, seconds falling to splinters all around you. "You need to chill, ok. Breathe. Here, you dropped your shades."

He puts them back on your face. You push them up on your forehead with shaking hands.

"Yeah, totally chill over here. Motherfucking master of the south pole, that's me."

"Dave, I knew you liked me already. Jade kinda told me." He bites his bottom lip, which shouldn't be as completely adorable as it is.

"Figures," is all you manage to say.

You realize that you are facing him and his back is to the wall. You think that maybe, if something doesn't happen _right fucking now_ , that certain something will never happen and you'll go home awkward and alone without even having kissed him.

So you do.

He doesn't move, just stands there immobile. Your eyes are closed so you can't tell whether he's looking at you during the kiss, but afterwards when you pull back his eyes are looking at you, taking in every detail of your face: your red irises, your dilated pupils in the darkness, your freckles that are starting to show now that summer's approaching.

"I know you're... not... into guys," you say. "But, I... I mean. That was just. Uh. Hey, we know this song, let's—"

He grabs your wrist as you turn to leave.

"Geez, Dave, what the hell?" He chuckles a little. "Who actually does that? You just— you caught me off guard, okay?" You shuffle back reluctantly. "I don't know how I feel about you. I really have no idea. But. Uh. Can we try that again? I'll be more ready this time."

You're only too happy to oblige, and this time he kisses back and oh god he's a terrible kisser. You should have expected as much, really, as your noses bump together and his glasses get pushed askew on his face. You know a little more about what you're doing than he does, though. You cup his head in your hands and angle your own head slightly, easing up on the pressure, and he follows your lead. You're not sure when tongues enter the equation but woah okay this is just plain _excellent_ and also flagrantly homosexual.

You only break for air when your shades fall to the ground again.

"Wow."

"Fuck." You shiver suddenly, inexplicably, then look up at John, who looks back with expectant and slightly glazed eyes.

"Dude. Hey, John. There's a concert in there that we're missing."

"Oh! Yeah! Wow, I completely forgot, haha!" He lets you grab his hand and pull him inside, but he stops before you're the door.

"Hey," he says, suddenly hesitant, "are we gonna... y'know. Are we ever gonna do that again?"

"What the fuck do you think?" Shivers again. "...Do you want to?"

"I'd be... okay with that, kinda. Okay?"

More than okay. Every bit more than okay.

"Music first, though. Jegus Egbert you have the shortest attention span I've ever seen." You enter the theater. The song is their hit, the one on the radio all of the time, so the entire fucking audience is on their feet, standing on their chairs, screaming the lyrics and dancing like crazy. It's embarrassingly uncool, but it also looks incredibly fun.

You think you're allowed to be a little uncool right now.


End file.
